Are You a Rebel?

I am typically a pretty well-behaved person and I follow most of the rules. Just ask my husband, he makes fun of me because I won’t cross an intersection if it doesn’t say it is "ok" to walk! For the 2 times a year that I cook, I follow the recipes word-for-word, no substituting going on here!  I am one of those people that read through the instructions to make sure that I use whatever it is properly.

Rule follower for sure…except when it comes to dieting. When someone tells me I can’t have something it triggers something inside of me and my first reaction is, oh yeah? Watch me!!!!! After I had Brooklynn I decided it would be a good idea to try a fitness bootcamp where they are up in your face while you do push-ups and other workouts. This was SERIOUS people; I wore a weighted vest and had to yell out cadences while wearing war paint!!!! Anyway, the diet plan for this was NO dairy, bread, soda, or pasta! I did great at the workouts, but because my stubborn ass wouldn’t stick to the diet plan, I didn’t get the results I could have. Such a rebel!!! Are you a rebel like me? How is that working out for you? It sure as hell hasn’t worked out for me in the past. Good thing I am not on a diet and have chosen to call it a lifestyle change or who knows how bad I could screw up????

Guess What Day It Is?

Nope, not hump day! It is Monday and that means that you promised yourself this weekend that no matter what you would start your diet….program…..clean eating….working out….whatever it is on Monday. Well, it is here again! I give you credit for starting even if it is for the 320^th time!!! I am right there with ya!

Can You See It?

I always think about an English class I had in high school where the teacher said if you wanted to achieve your goals you had to write them down or in this case put them where I could see them.  I have always been too picky when it comes to creating my vision board thinking I couldn’t do it unless I had a really nice cork board and then I would have to find the perfect picture….just procrastinating and NEVER ever getting one completed. Well, until today. I just did it and it is done and it is not perfect and I don’t care. Here it is and I only numbered it so I could explain each picture. Before you read this you may think it is selfish and you are right, it is, but where has it gotten me putting everyone else before myself? I am stuck in this cycle just doing things for others and not myself, never feeling accomplished, and never challenging myself to be better. 

   

1.  I want to wear leggings and actually look cute in them. Lots of people wear them….and shouldn’t, but I think they are cute on certain people. I would also like to wear boots that go over my calves. Always had to find certain ones and pay more to have them fit.  
2.  I don’t necessarily want a neck like a giraffe, but I want a “skinny” neck. No more double chin!
3. When I get dressed or un-dressed I avoid the mirror like the plague and if my husband comes in the room while I am changing I scramble to cover up. Doesn’t make sense since I have had 2 kids with him. 
4. TMI and goes right along with #3. I want to be comfortable with myself and around my husband. I don’t want to hide behind a pair of sweats and an oversized t-shirt.
5. I freaking SNORE!! It started when I was pregnant and was sure that it was because my boobs were suffocating me in my sleep, but it never went away after I had my baby. Convinced it is a weight thing and my boobs are still suffocating me! I am so self-conscious about it and I won’t go anywhere that people may be affected by it. 
6. I want to wear shorts! I haven’t worn shorts in years and would love to wear them comfortably without scaring away little children and having my thighs rub together so much that I have major chaffing. I don’t even want to wear the ones where my hoo-ha hangs out, just above the knee shorts….not too much to ask.
7. I want to enjoy hiking, camping, or any outdoor activity really. Being out-of-shape really makes me feel un-comfortable and I miss out on simple things.
8.  I would like wear and own a swimsuit. Again, no need for me to wear a bikini, just a simple one piece. 
9. I want to be strong both physically and mentally. The end.
10. Maternity underwear. Yep, I still got them and I still wear them and my son turned 1 in February. I understand that they are not one bit attractive, but dammit they are so comfortable! I know they gotta go...
11. The “little black dress” I want to own one and wear it out and get a compliment for how nice I look!
12.  I call these blingy butt jeans and honestly I don’t even care if they have bling on the butt, but I want to buy a pair of jeans that aren’t “mom jeans” that I bought at Sam’s Club. 
13. Let’s just say the last time I wore a belt was when those braided belts were popular.
14.  Not having to worry about hiding my muffin top would be great, I would even tuck my shirt in!
15.  My arms have always been my weakest-most-hated part of my body. Sick of having lunch lady arms.  Would love to be able to rock a tank-top!
16. I bought an outfit to workout in that looks similar to this. Tried it on and laughed my ass off, because who needs a goal to be able to wear cute workout clothes? ME!!!
17. I am tired of letting food control me and stop me from doing things that I want to do or going places I want to go. I want to eat to live and not constantly live in regret for things that I put in my body. You would think this would be easy and it might be for you, but for me it is a REAL struggle that I deal with every second of the day. 

I am going to put this baby up on my bathroom mirror. Maybe I will just make copies and put it everywhere. Do you have one? I would love to see it.

I Heard Laughing Burns Calories

Google said that researchers have determined that just 15 minutes of laughter a day can help you burn between 10 and 40 calories, depending on your weight and how intense the laughter....let's just go with the 40 calories. You can thank me later for this workout. 

Please note: I did not write this, someone posted it on Facebook that led me to someone else that posted it on their blog. I am unable to pinpoint the actual author.

 Yeah, so I just about pulled something in my neck laughing at this..I just had to share. (I highly recommend that you DO NOT drink anything while reading.)

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss.

How hard can it be?

I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..

I inhale deeply and brace myself…RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP!

Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There’s no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’

There is a slight pause.

She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and … OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

Its sooo painful, but I really don’t care.

‘IT WORKS!!

It works!!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…?

THE HAIR IS STILL HERE…….ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off.

Heck, I’m numb by now.

Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color……

Now share this one and give your friends a good laugh!